Descent

So, where to begin? The choking sensation? The fear? The knowing? The biopsy? The MRI? The surgery consult?! What began in December 2006 has continued into 2007 with a diagnosis of papillary cancer. I have already lost track of how many people have told me that this is the best cancer to get. Now, just to be clear, I don't think any cancer is good but this one has extremely good statistics to go with it. Now that it has been a whole month and I have sat with this and researched it almost non-stop, I am finally getting some sense of what is happening to me. I have my surgery five weeks from today. Instead of the nice tidy thyroidectomy, I will have the extended neck dissection up to my left ear to take out lymph nodes as well. Why me? That is my tired response to this! I actually owe my initial worry to someone else whose cancer is far worse, much more advanced, much scarier. I don't like using other people's misfortunes to make me feel better about mine but his cancer was what made me go to the doctor in the first place. I have a whole new appreciation for my body and what little trouble it has been to me all these years. I feel like I am stepping off the moving walkway and am moving backwards into some weird world of medicine and surgery. Descending into what, I don't know. If I can work my mind the right way, I can look at this as some sort of adventure or endurance game. Mostly it's the awful feeling that I am looking at the seed of my mortality and wondering how big is the bloom going to get.