Blood test day tomorrow, christmas coming

In for the blood draw tomorrow. I compiled all my blood test results to date, looking for answers, clarity, comfort and I find none of these things. In fact, I reread my pathology report and got completely wigged out at how bad it was. Can I just get along with myself for a month at a time?! We are going to the midwest for a visit, I hate going there with a passion. L is excited which is good, she has a natural affinity for that half of her blood. I miss salt water when I am that far away from home. I think I am becoming more salt that anything.
I have been thinking so much about my idea when I was a kid that I would die when I was 47. That gives me 33 more months. I really have been thinking about my death a lot lately, really feeling myself disconnecting from things just to see how it feels to be letting go and disappearing. With all the economic shit coming down, I worry about my life-saving drugs, what would happen if I couldn't get them and what a horrible death that would be. I wonder if I have lost my desire to keep living and I just don't recognize it.
Also, the theme of the year seems to be Who Do You Think You Are? I have thought a lot about the sense of entitlement that I have grown up with as an American and how now, it is all being tossed to the wind. Why do I think I should live such a good long life?! Who the fuck do I think I am?

1 1/2 years later, another round of RAi

Christ I know why I have avoided my blog. But I have been inspired by the NPR blog. I didn't get a clean scan this year-I had some small amount of thyroid tissue left and I drank another dose. I thought I made it through scot free from the side effects but got nailed a month ago with salivary gland issues. It just never fucking ends. I am tired of how hard things have been. I have had good moments this year. L has been so fun this summer, I surrendered to motherhood because that is all I have these days. No exciting job, no high profile anything. D and I are in opposite lands. It's a wonder our marriage is still limping along. Some days are definitely worse than others. Last week was a low point, maybe the lowest. I have not felt so desperate since I was broken hearted in 1988. Fall is here, so lovely but not my favorite season any more. I like August best now-still hot but with just a hint of autumn. More tomorrow, I think I am up for the blog now.