CHM (Cancer Hero Model)

I am a little over four weeks away from my surgery. I had to go into the doctor's office yesterday to get blood tests before my appointment next week. I actually tried to imagine how I was going to feel when I was waiting before my surgery and realized there is just no point in assuming anything. I can't hold onto any ideas about my future right now. I am trying not to overwhelm myself learning about all the intricacies of THYCA-TSH! Tgab!! T4! T3! FreeT4! (actually that would be a great t-shirt, only those in the know would find it funny....) I am realizing that because I have the auto-immune situation going on (special, special) I will have to go through hypothyroid hell every year to get scanned for new cancer. Fuck. How am I supposed to feel about all of this?! I don't have a clue. It's like I am suddenly supposed to be zen and live in the moment. It is so hard for me not to be cynical by the Cancer Hero Model, the one that says "this is my path, I am so grateful for this awful thing in my life because it has shown me all of the beauty in the world. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore! I live in the moment now-right now I was just living in that moment!!" Will I ever be that person? I don't want to spout platitudes. Somebody please punch me hard if I do. My friend L said he would bring me flowers in the hospital and I told him he could put one in each of my neck drains, kind of like bud vases. That sent us to more inappropriate humor about weaving daisy chains in my incision. That make sense to me, not the treacly shit which I am sure I will sooner or later have to come to terms with. Who the fuck am I going to be after all of this?! I thought motherhood would change me into a nicer, blander person. Will cancer do the trick?